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an artist's dilemma

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as an artist in my (little) spare time i have, i have this great passion for photography and digital art. no secret about that! i could lose myself in a world of beautiful scenes, interesting people, objects that simply fascinate me and in the end come up with artwork that in some cases have won some awards.

having a partner often leads to him being the focus of my attention, taking hundreds of photos of him, capturing his being, his smiles, his adoring glances or just him relaxing where ever we are at a specific moment. the inspiration he brings to my work is phenomenal, it gives me an opportunity to play with images of the man i intend to spend the rest of my life with. quite a number of these photographs have been changed digitally into works of art - some of them displayed in exhibitions in new york, los angeles, berlin and london. some of the work i did just to enhance my collection of art pieces, come of which are proudly displayed in my house. he is my all, he is what makes me ticks, he is the one who makes me laugh, he is the one who shares my passion, he is the soulmate i had so hoped for.

then it all changes. suddenly. with no fore-warning. with no real reason (although he did mention some 'faults' on my side). true, i never captured moments where he did not seem to be 'with me', moments where he was obviously far away in a different world. nevertheless, our relationship is ended, because he has trust issues. none of it true, as i am faithful to a fault, would never consider looking at the 'greener grass' on the other side of whichever fence. talking, convincing, my adoration, my declaration of love and commitment, my absolute commitment to him have no effect on his decision. he leaves, he is angry, he feels 'left out' of a life i have created, the responsibilities i have family-wise, my obligations to run my own professional business, my own 'free' time with old friends. none of which make any impression on his set mind to discontinue an 18 month relationship. he finds my interest in him non-existent, he finds i do not make enough effort to make him the first priority in his life. the list goes on. and there i was planning and hoping for a future with the great love of my life, the man of of my dreams, the man who would stand by me through thick and thin. perhaps it all became too much for him, i don't know.

coming back to the photographs and artwork featuring this man i was going to share the rest of my life with, are staring me in the face. every time is browse my archive of photos, he is always present. waking up in the morning, the first thing i see, is the artwork of the two of us at a time, where the love and compassion are clearly visible. going down the stairs, two 2 meter artwork with him as central them remind me of how important this man had been in my life, how much we had shared, how much i love him (noted: present tense), how much he had given me, meant to me, how capturing him at a specific moment at a specific time can never undo the emotions and feelings he had started in me.

everyone who knows me, knows i don't trust or love easily, but with him, this trust grew and in the end, my trust in him, my love for him as a person convinced me, that our future together was sealed. sure, there were issues both of us had to work on, but in a relationship all these issues (in my honest opinion) can and should be resolved and build a partnership, combining feelings, emotions, heart beats and so much more.

it has been almost eight weeks of pure hell for me. after his departure from my life, i am still lost, still cannot fathom what had happened, still cannot find words and actions to undo what had happened. text messages, personal visits, emails and calls go unanswered - and if i do get a response, it is usually 'to get lost', 'to leave him alone', that 'he needs time' (recovering from a back operation), not allowing me to visit him, finding out how he is doing physically, how he is coping psychologically. i am simply no part of his life anymore.

i still have not found the courage or the will to remove the artwork from the walls in my house, artwork depicting us, artwork showing him as the man of of my life. will i ever find the strength and determination to finally remove all pieces of him while he was part of my life? honestly don't know. time will tell, they say time is a great healer, but for the moment i find that piece of wisdom to be utter nonsense.

so much has happened in the last eight weeks, i don't know how to approach him, talk to him, get him to communicate with me - even though he is recovering from this operation. perhaps i should just give him time to be able to talk to me. but i have a feeling that chance of reviewing and coming up with a solution, is just not going to happen. i have a strange premonition that he has moved on, might even have a new partner.

the pain the original separation caused, is still tearing my heart to pieces, is still influencing all other aspects of my life. getting back to a 'normal' functioning man has not been a road easily travelled, but i am sure that i will in the end reach the end of the road. the question however, still remains, what do i do with all the photographic material and artwork that he perfected by simply being there?

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